Assembly: A Walk Through the Park (AnOnion; Vol 1, Issue 4)
by AnOnion

In this in depth issue of Government Island, this Onion reporter went undercover as a janitor to bring you the inside scoop in a first person perspective of the offices of The South Pacific’s heads and minds, and what kind of mess they throw away.

I decided to take a break from investigating the Cabinet, and take a stroll through Constitution Park; the new walking park built next to the Assembly Hall. I heard that it had received a makeover since I last stopped by; apparently more enjoyable and a nicer view from the Hall itself.

I arrived to a parking lot filled with potholes. My car’s suspension creaking with each bump in the road. I had to park at the bottom of a steep hill; it appeared that the entrance gates were at the top, and one had to walk to get there. I apologized in advance to my legs, and started climbing up the side. I could not help but notice picket signs left forgotten in the bushes leading up. There must have been something important happening here before, but I left the signs behind me and decided to move forward.

Exhausted, I finally made it to the gate. It was ornate and, admittedly, looked very pleasing for anyone looking outside in. The gates themselves still had the sheen of fresh paint, and the faint aroma of a flower field wafted through the bars. Readers, you haven’t smelled such a fresh scent like that.

With high hopes I entered the park. The pathways were well laid down, and there were benches all around for people to sit and enjoy the scenery. Garbage bins were abundant, and the park looked clean and well kept. I instantly relaxed and slowly walked towards the center of the park.

As I was walking, I started noticing holes in the ground, and becoming more frequent the closer I got to the center; holes where flowers were supposed to be. The freshly paved walkway turned into an unfinished rocky path, and the wonderful smell I noticed outside the gate suddenly vanished.

I stopped and noticed people, legislators I assumed, becoming more and more frequent as I ventured deeper into the park. I tried to strike up a conversation with one. I greeted them, and they turned to look at me.

“Hello. Wonderful day isn’t it?”

I agreed, but before I could ask any other questions they walked away. I decided to try and greet someone else. They turned to me and said:

“Hello. Wonderful day isn’t it?”

I agreed, but before I could ask any other questions they also walked away. I decided to try one last person.

“Hello. Wonderful day isn’t it?”

I stood in disbelief for a moment, before grabbing the legislator’s arm and asking them about the state of the park.

“Wonderful, isn’t it?”

I let the fellow go. A cry came from my left. I turned to see a legislator had fallen into one of the holes of the park. They started cursing loudly as they tried to exit the hole, making a scene and getting the attention of the other park goers. The legislators swarmed the hole, and started arguing how to pull the fallen fellow out and fix the hole. I stood back and watched: some yelled loudly and blocked their ears cutting off anybody else trying to speak, some tried to work with others but were too short to get any other legislator’s attention, and others just looked at the hole without saying a word.

I stayed for a few hours watching the event, until I decided I must continue my investigations into the Cabinet affairs. The shouting could still be faintly heard when I arrived to the gate. A man, with an armband labelled ‘COA’ rushed past me, shaking their head as they headed to the commotion.

As I passed the gate signaling the entrance to the park, I noticed some people outside, eager to see the park themselves. I briefly overheard their conversation:

“I can’t wait to see the park, I heard it’s been in the works for a while. I bet it’s as lavish as they said it would be, at the last Garden Council meeting.”
“Yeah, I bet it looks as nice on the inside as it does on the outside!”