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South Pacific Independent News Network · 09-30-2020, 06:48 PM

Year 18 | 30 September 2020

REAL NEWS
"GIVE US PANDA" SAYS THE REGION IN LATEST POLLS
Gale Weathers | News Editor

A series of polls by FiftyPlusOne has provided a stunning reversal in public opinion by revealing that a sizable portion of the electorate wants Panda to run for every single position in the Cabinet in the upcoming election.

Panda, infamous for their role as leader of the Dirty Lampshades, obtained 35% of the preference vote among likely voters, indicating that more than a third of those likely to vote in the coming election would like to see a Panda candidacy, including a 50% of likely voters who said they would like to see Panda run for Minister of Media.

While nominations haven’t opened yet, certain legislators are getting ready to face Panda, preparing their talking points and conducting opposition research, a task that has been made easier by Panda’s recent entanglements with the Government Island Prosecutor General. A senior advisor to one prospective candidate who spoke on condition of anonymity has said that "all campaigns are sharing tips and information on how to defeat Panda before he becomes a greater threat".

This afternoon the South Pacific Independent News Network launched You Decide, its initiative to host debates for all Cabinet positions. Some are expressing concern that Panda might use the debates as an opportunity to dominate the discussion and prevent other candidates from having a legitimate policy exchange. James Halpert, Senior Editor of the SPINN, has said that "there should be no doubt that the debates will be clean, substantive and will offer all voters a chance to evaluate candidates".

Panda was not available for comment on this article, but a spokesperson did say that "Panda takes the survey results with calm and thanks legislators for their confidence in him" and that on the matter of a possible candidacy that "we’ll just have to wait and see".

The South Pacific Independent News Network (SPINN) is an independent news organisation established in 2003 with the goal of providing good, insightful and timely commentary on regional events for the citizens of the South Pacific. This publication is satirical and does not necessarily reflect the facts or the views of the Editorial Board. Content is published via pseudonyms. The SPINN is not associated with the Government of the South Pacific.