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SCO OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE RESOLUTION TO LIMIT THREAT POSED BY RYCCIA, SCO




SCO HEADQUARTERS- In a groundbreaking move, the Southern Cooperation Organization drafted a resolution that would attempt to bring peace to the region by weakening the military power and influence both of Ryccia and of the SCO, on the grounds that both are security threats to the region.
"After weeks of tension between Ryccia and many other nations in TSP, we have drafted a document that will limit the threat that is posed by Ryccia and the SCO to democracy," said Southern Council President Chien Ching Chiung. "And we have their assurance, and ours, that they, and we, will not break it."
Added Jonathan Brennan, representative from Qvait, "This document may be our best chance to achieve peace between two unstable powers. Many were worried that war was inevitable, but now that both parties have been willing to see their error and cut back on their power, we should be able to maintain peace."
The document, which would allow several senior member nations of the SCO to form an Oversight Committee that would ensure that Ryccia and the SCO remained stable and unable to launch acts of war, was wholeheartedly supported by both Ryccia and the SCO. A few representatives, such as Brennan, remained slightly cautious, but for the time being have pledged their support. However, some nations, such as Resentine and Darkstrait, believe that the document will go too far in limiting the sovereignty of Ryccia and the SCO. In a statement to the SCO, Resentine representative Valerie Braddock said that "you have all claimed that Ryccia and the SCO have committed human rights violations, but have presented no evidence of such violations." In a press conference, Darkstraitese Minister of Foreign Affairs Lavaeolus Ephebia said, "This is madness. In theory the document will provide peace, but there's no way that the SCO will stay down like this. Look at Sporaltryus. They're withdrawing their embassies with anyone who even thinks about supporting the SCO or preventing the resolution from passing. Something's gotta give." Doubt continues to suffuse international politics as to whether the resolution will even be effective in preventing terrorism from nationalist SCO members, as well.
Discussion continues as to the status of the Ryccia-affiliated nation of Laiwan. Many SCO members are in favor of extending the resolution to Laiwan, as well. When asked why, Awesomiasan representative Simon Harawira said, "Well, Laiwan's a dangerous state, you know? Guns up to their eyeballs, nukes from tip to tip, five dozen different military groups fighting for control of the place. If the SCO, a fairly minor and uninfluential organization and alliance, has to go through this, they should too." Laiwanese representatives were unavailable for comment.
Although further discussion remains, the future of TSP has been shifted down a new path. It remains to be seen whether this path is a happy one.

"BULLSHIT," RIDCULLY DECLARES




In a press conference about the current international situation, Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully of Darkstrait denounced the actions of the Southern Cooperation Organization as "bullshit", and of Ryccia as "fucking stupid" in a profane tirade lasting over twenty minutes.
"The SCO's recent actions are a load of bullshit," announced Ridcully in his speech, the first by a Darkstraitese Head of State to contain profanity. "And they're being total assholes. I mean, come on. They demand that Ryccia basically give up their fucking sovereignty, and then after Ryccia agrees with only a few minor concerns, they try to get the fucking Ryccian representative out the door!"
"What a load of bullshit," Ridcully added, shaking his head.
The Archchancellor, who has announced that he does not intend to run for reelection, had plenty to say on the subject of Ryccia's actions as well. "It's fucking stupid, if you ask me. They've got a tough military, a few allies who've got their back, plenty of states pledging non-aggression, and instead of defending their right to sovereignty, they lay down and expose their throat so the SCO can bleed them out?"
He then cupped his hands and shouted, "Earth to Ryccian government: Wake up, sheeple!"
When asked about Ridcully's tirade after the Archchancellor had stormed from the room, declaring that the world needed "anti-dumbass pills", Lavaeolus Ephebia said, "Well, the Archchancellor's got a lot on his plate. He's a busy man and this international crisis shit is getting him stressed."
Representatives from Ryccia and the SCO were unavailable for comment at the time of this article's publication.

ALL ARCHCHANCELLORIAL CANDIDATES "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" FOR VOTERS

Above: Samuel Vimes, Douglas Downey, and Adora Belle Dearheart, some of the candidates failing to impress Darkstraitese voters.
After Archchancellor Ridcully announced that he would not run for reelection this fall, several other guys announced their intent to run, none of whom have any chance of pleasing the voters.
Following the Darkstraitese Civil War, the Capitalist Party disbanded, and the Wolframist and Communist Parties suffered huge popularity drops following the imprisonment of many of their political leaders. However, the Socialist Party schismed at this point, conveniently preventing the formation of a one-party state, forming the Democratic Socialist Party, the Liberal Socialist Party, and the Libertarian Socialist Party. Although Archchancellor Ridcully has remained unaffiliated with any of these parties, those close to him say he usually makes decisions in a way that supports the Libertarian Socialists. However, all of these parties, no matter their endorsement, have failed to strike a note with voters.
The guys all have diverse and different backgrounds. For example, Samuel Vimes (LbS) is one of the nation's highest-ranked generals and was Archchancellor Ridcully's second-in-command during the Darkstraitese Civil War. Douglas Downey (LbtS) was a spy for over twenty years, becoming one of the few government agents to not resign during the Imperial Crisis. Adora Belle Dearheart (LbS) heads the main government robotics development division. Havelock Vetinari (DS) was a secretary to Archchancellor Ridcully during the Transsunerian Conflict and Soorman Sarin Crisis, later becoming an ambassador. Moist von Lipwig (LbS) is the current Minister of Infrastructure. And, according to a poll undertaken by the Darkstraitese Polling Agency, "none of these candidates are, in the eyes of our citizens, capable of running the country".
Said Ridcully on the candidates and the skepticism expressed, "I am impressed with our citizenry--- particularly, their cynicism and pessimism. They will surely ensure that the best man for the job will win."
When asked which candidate he thought had the best chance of victory, Ridcully replied, "From what I know of these candidates, Vetinari is probably the most cynical. So he's probably got the best shot."

HOLY SHIT!
NATIONS CAUGHT PLOTTING AGAINST EACH OTHER!


Qvait's President West justifying the plotting to a crowd.

International scandal rocked TSP a few days ago when it was revealed that several nations were plotting against another, in a crisis unrivaled to any other in TSP's known history.
The plotting, which was being done by Qvait, Ryccia, and Darkstrait, concerned a plan to invade Sporaltryus, then destroy its international standing.
"This move on the part of Qvait, Darkstrait, and Ryccia is totally against international law," said Sporaltryan president Chris Flores. "I mean, countries aren't allowed to plot against each other in the dark like this. It's just so immoral. All plotting must be done in public places, so that all countries can see it."
Qvait's President Gabriel West defended the country's actions in a recent speech: "This is mad! All countries have the right to plot against each other."
At this point, he began leafing through a copy of the SCO's rules and regulations, a tome several inches in thickness. "Come on... it's gotta be in here somewhere..."
Although the Ryccian government has tried to distance itself from the incident, the Qvaitican government has tried to impeach the officials who approved the plotting, including President Qvait.
Interestingly, Darkstrait's people have not taken any real action against the officials who did the plotting. When asked why, one citizen who wished to remain anonymous said, "Well, it's not like they're not plotting anyway. They're going to plot, and there's nothing we can really do about it, so the best thing to do at this point would be to just let them get on with their plotting."
Archchancellor Ridcully, in a speech after the plot was revealed, thanked the citizens of Darkstrait for their endless reserves of cynicism and understanding that his term ends in a few months anyway and that a recall would be an awful lot of trouble.

SCO ANNOUNCES TRANSITION INTO DICTATORSHIP PERIOD

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SCO Secretary General Carlo Bazzoli trying on the uniform he will wear as Supreme Overlord.

SCO HEADQUARTERS- In a shocking move, the Southern Cooperation Organization announced that it would begin a transition into a dictatorial organization that had utter control over its member states.
Several proposals are being deliberated upon that are intended to shift the SCO into its new phase. These include a name-change to Southern Cruelty Organization (a name proposed by several public figures in Ryccia and Punchwood, but not officially deliberated upon before now); replacement of the current list of principles with "To subjugate the South Pacific under the autocratic rule of the SCO"; replacing the position of Secretary General with Supreme Overlord and granting him or her a life term and free reign over the collective nations of the SCO; and the removal of all dissident nations.
The final proposal mentioned has gained headway with the ejection of Qvait, a nation whose leaders expressed anti-SCO sentiments; stood in defense of Ryccia, a nation which has somehow managed to incur the constant wrath of most of the SCO; and who have been found making plans against a nation which launched an invasion against them several months ago.
Said Samantha Bell, SCO representative from Sporaltryus, "It's about time this happened. We've been waiting for an excuse to invade Qvait for years. All right, so we failed the first time. Big whoop. Now that we've got most of TSP on our side, we'll be able to crush them and move on to the Resentine Kingdom and Ryccia."
At this point, an aide reminded Ms. Bell that Resentine was a member of the SCO as well, to which she responded, "So was Qvait. Anybody we don't like can be quietly removed, and invaded within the week. Now go file the spy reports."
"I mean, we've got the right to meddle in the internal affairs of other countries without their will, right?" said Chien Ching Chiung, President of the Southern Council. "Just because it's their country doesn't mean that we can't lock them out of the chamber when we're having big important discussions on their future, does it? Well, according to this old rag, it does," said Chiung, lighting a match and setting a copy of the SCO's Charter ablaze. "Which is why we're doing away with it and entering a period in which autocracy reigns supreme and we can shoot anybody we don't like."
In a speech to a session of the SCO, Secretary General Carlo Bazzoli said, "It is time for the nations of TSP to choose their side in the conflict to come. Will they be with us, or against us? Will they support the weak, soft democracies or the hard, steady autocracies? And, most importantly, will they do their best to contribute to the crucial effort of defending dictators everywhere?"
In related news, all Scallion journalists located in SCO countries were withdrawn, then sent back undercover in order to keep providing the best news to the international community.

RIDCULLY REVERSES POSITION ON DRUGS

"I've found a few very minor flaws in a plan which has worked brilliantly so far"

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Archchancellor Ridcully discussing the drug situation.

SKOTINO STENO, DARKSTRAIT- Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully recently announced in a press conference that he had reversed his position on the issue of drugs, going from legalization of all drugs to heavy restrictions and bans on all psychoactive substances, including alcohol.
"My fellow Darkstraitese, it hurts to say this, but I have been wrong in supporting [Representative Rincewind's] proposal for legalizing and monitoring drug purchases. Although I originally thought that this plan would be very effective in both ensuring the rights of our citizens to get stoned and the prevention of overdoses or abuse, I recently realized that there were some there were some issues with the system."
The proposal that Ridcully had supported had legalized drugs, but ensured background checks for anyone trying to buy them. If the person had suffered an overdose or other abuse, they would be denied purchase. Limits were placed on the amount of drugs each person was allowed to purchase per day in order to prevent overdose. Each production run of drugs was carefully tested chemically to ensure that no impurities of the sort common in street drugs existed.
But despite the system's merits, the Archchancellor, after several months of unconditional support, decided to withdraw support, citing the potential for abuse inherent "whenever two guys who do drugs get together and have a party, right? What happens if one of them takes more drugs than the other? Look at that! The possibility for overdoses goes up dramatically!"
After another government official pointed out the fact that overdoses were quite common before the drug legalization took place, and that it was also not unheard of for drug peddlers to adulterate their product with far more addictive and dangerous substances, Ridcully waved them off, saying, "Think of the children! It's gotten easier for them to get their hands on drugs these days," evidently unaware of the fact that many teens had already been able to get their hands on street drugs long before the legalization.
The announcement came at a vital point in the campaign for the Archchancellorcy. The candidates are divided on the issue, with the Libertarians still supporting the proposal, the Democratics for the most part against it, and the Liberals split. Said Democratic candidate Havelock Vetinari, "I have no particular objection to people taking substances that make them feel better or more contented, or, for that matter, see little dancing purple fairies – or even their god if it comes to that. It’s their brain, after all, and society can have no claim on it, providing they’re not operating heavy machinery at the time."

Quote Credit

Terry Pratchett, Snuff, page 3

RYCCIA BACKFIRES
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The Ryccian Parliament.
In an incident that surprised everyone, the entire nation of Ryccia backfired last Wednesday, reversing its positions on almost every issue it faced and throwing the international community into chaos.
The backfiring was caused by a new piece of legislation passed that day, which repealed or reversed all existing laws, rulings, executive orders, and stances taken by the government. The issue created a huge amount of controversy internationally.
"We will stand by our ally Ryccia in their time of strangeness," said Archchancellor Ridcully shortly after the backfire was announced. "And we will do our best to defend them if anyone tries to take advantage of their odder policies."
Most other nations in the region, however, condemned the backfiring, sparking a hugely controversial debate over the policy switches. This finally ended when King Edward announced that the backfire would backfire, leaving international delegates so confused that they were unable to come up with a reasonable objection by the time the bill was repealed.

Qvait Trys to Turn Its Back on United Front, Left Friendless
The government of Qvait announced that it would, at the soonest opportunity, resign from the United Front, leaving it friendless and alone in regional politics.
After Ryccia announced the passing of the "No Sporaltryus Bill", Qvait condemned Ryccia's actions, losing friends in the UF and began an attempt to make up with its former friend, the Southern Cooperation Organization. However, when Qvait could not produce proof that it would be a good friend this time, the SCO rejected Qvait's attempt, and Qvait began a period in which it had no friends in regional politics.
"We're sick of Qvait being so needy," the Darkstraitese government said in an official statement. "It's time for them to just grow up and stop arguing with their existing friends, because otherwise they won't have any. Hopefully they learn a lesson from this experience."
Qvaitican representatives were unavailable for comment by press time.

AWESOMIASAN DELEGATION GRUDGINGLY ALLOWS RYCCIA RIGHT TO BREATHE

The IOC debates the controversial proposal.
GOVERNMENT ISLAND- After several hours of heated debate at the Government Island Peace Summit, the delegation from Awesomiasa finally gave in, allowing the people of Ryccia the right to breathe.
Although the Awesomiasan delegation had argued that "the right to breathe is a dangerous gateway to other dangerous rights", such as the right to run a country without outside interference, the Ryccian delegates refused to back down, and the rest of the International Oversight Commission decided that, despite the security concerns repeatedly mentioned by the Awesomiasans, they would allow Ryccians the right to breathe. In the face of the overwhelming majority, the Awesomiasans backed down, and the citizens of Ryccia sighed in relief, something that they would be allowed to continue to do.
However, not everyone was pleased with the compromise. After a distinguished legal professor in Ryccia read through the section of the proposal ensuring the rights of Ryccian citizens, he found several loopholes that may allow the IOC to prevent people from, among other things, breathing air, exhaling, or speaking. When Ryccian citizens got word of this information, many began rioting. Several people have been killed and dozens injured in the backlash.
Awesomiasan representatives were unavailable for comment by press time.

SPORALTRYAN PEOPLE EMBRACE THEIR KILLERS

Sporaltryan citizens show their support for the terrorist group that took power after murdering 25 million of their fellow citizens.
CASTIETYA, SPORALTRYUS- In a brutal move last Saturday, the Sporaltryan terrorist group the Consortium detonated a stolen 50 MT under a stadium in Sporaltryus City, killing 25 million people (a full 10% of Sporaltryus' population) and creating huge amounts of support for the new bloodthirsty regime, which essentially took power the next day.
"My mother was in Sporaltryus City when the bomb went off," said Pat Rhen, a Sporaltryan who has, like his peers, accepted the murderous Consortium with open arms. "So was my brother and his kids. The Consortium wiped them out without a second thought. Clearly, these amoral, power-hungry extremists know what it's about."
The international reaction has, for some unknown reason, gone exactly the opposite way of the adoring citizenry. Resentine representatives introduced a proposal to the SCO that would expel Sporaltryus. The United Front declared an embargo on Sporaltryus and labeled the Consortium a terrorist group.
A few discontent citizens have begun rebellions against the new order, and the Consortium has threatened to use WMDs against any nation that sends aid to them. For some reason, these threats have actually succeeded in terrifying more powerful nations such as Ryccia.
The Onion did not send any reporters to get comments from Consortium representatives for obvious reasons.