Coconut Press article 1: Lenten Disappointment.

I’m almost always disappointed by Lent.

That might sounds like a strange thing to say, especially if you’re familiar with the period of the Christian calendar known as Lent, a six-week period running up to and including Holy Week and ending on Easter Sunday. Inspired by the story of Jesus being tempted for forty days in the wilderness near the start of gospel narratives, Lent is a period of fasting - of giving stuff up - with the intent to focus instead on more spiritual things.

For many in the western world in particular, Lent isn’t really a spiritual time at all, however, but, rather like a spring version of New Year, it’s an opportunity to try giving up a bad habit or to challenge yourself with something new. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but for Christians Lent is supposed to be an opportunity for something deeper than mere lifestyle change - it’s an opportunity to draw closer to Christ.

And this is why Lent so often disappoints me. Not because I try really hard and find that I’m no closer to God at all, but because I so often don’t try hard enough or, to put it in a way that has less to do with my own personal effort, I don’t submit enough.

My first problem is always choosing something to give up (or, indeed, take up) that has sufficient meaning to me to be a real sacrifice. The issue here is that I inherently don’t want to make too big a sacrifice. The last thing I want is to feel like I’ve really lost something, to feel the pain of absence that comes when you no longer have something you love, or are just addicted to. No - it mustn’t be too great a sacrifice - that’s clear!

But then, of course, it mustn’t be too little. It’s got to be meaningful, after all! And it can’t just be something I want to give up anyway because, surely, that’s not the point.

I tend to circle around these arguments for quite a while, often even a week or two into Lent, during which period I’ll find myself refining what it is I’ve actually given up, setting conditions, get-out clauses, ways to make the sacrifice just a little less sacrificial. And in the midst of all this I find myself losing sight of the purpose of the sacrifice and, if I’m lucky, I catch myself and make a token effort to refocus. It maybe lasts a couple of days.

I repeat this pattern most years, or, sometimes, I don’t bother at all, but occasionally, just occasionally, I actually manage to reach into the heart of what Lent is supposed to be and, for once, I find myself reall and truly blessed.

The best example of this would be back in 2014, when I gave up fiction for Lent, choosing to read theology instead and then blogged my way through the process and my thinking about Lent at the time. It was a really helpful experience and I found that, with the theology and listening to more sermonds, etc, I was genuinely finding my relationship with God improving all the time. Though I returned to my old habits once Lent was over, I didn’t forget what I had learned and, I think, I grew a little as a Christian.

This year, I have fallen into many of the same traps as usual - I’ve whittled away at my sacrifice until it is relatively easy to bear, I’ve lost focus, I’ve strayed - but I’ve also been reminded of my own human weakness and Christ’s strength. He who has lived and died for me has also undergone all manner of sacrifice for me so that I don’t have to and when I find myself wandering off, I hear Him calling me back and my focus returns.

There’s a lot going on in my life spiritually at the moment, with a possible call to ordination working itself out. This Lent, no matter how disappointing I am, Christ is leading me on towards the bright resurrection light ot Easter, and that is never disappointing, for it fulfills all my need.

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