2021’s Golden Disappointments
By Jack Newark of Goom Bay
Note: This is an in-character role-played piece about film in the South Pacific from a writer in the nation of Goom Bay.
2021 was certainly a year for Pacific film. Headlining the excellent Wallywood awards last Monday was the stop motion indie-film Oak Hill. The film became the first indie project to win Best Picture in the history of the awards show. A fresh-out-of-college group of luminaries showed the film world that any film has the potential to become a highly-touted classic. On the other end of the spectrum, tons of films flopped throughout the year. Mostly produced by big budget studios cranking out subpar action movie after subpar action movie, 10 productions stood out to Pacific audiences as the worst of the year. From a character with the charisma of cardboard to a really stupid ripoff, each of these ten flicks were worthy of our first Golden Disappointment awards.
Worst Actor - Michael McKinney, The Chronicle II
McKinney clearly didn’t care about this role. Released in early January of 2022 (just in time for ourawards), Chronicle 2 featured a disappointingly subpar performance from the third-wealthiest actor in the region. McKinney played an elderly explorer in this sequel to the cult-classic 1988 flick. This was just a filler in between MMK’s major superhero movies. Next!
Worst Actress - Amanda Hawkins, Days Behind
In this flop of a movie released in October, Hawkins played a woman in a relationship gone awry. Her character is just unlikeable. She’s like a character in a Wallmark Christmas movie. She’s a busy business woman living in the big city who moves to the countryside. That’s her whole character arc.
Most Uninspired Sequel - New Angeltown Blues
Chronicle 2 was bad. It wasn’t nearly as bad as this. The sequel to 2012’s Angeltown Blues was released in December and awkwardly retconned the plot of the first movie and tried to awkwardly retell the story of Ben Hammond. Angeltown Blues (the original)’s director, Jaden Jennings, has publicly stated that he is ashamed at what Ultra Studios has done to his film’s legacy. We are too.
Worst Picture - The Truth is Here
This “thing” was trying to be a movie dedicated to slamming a political candidate. And it was a really bad attempt at one. Fact-checkers have declared that the majority of statements in the movie were false. We don’t even think the unnamed director even cited a source. Iron Studios should be ashamed of themselves.
I’m angry now. And you should be too. Major studios are putting out more films with less and less quality each year. And we haven’t even gotten to the animated films. Ugh. Well, hopefully those movies didn’t affect my sanity too much! I’ll get back to you next month.
Signing off from the Southern Journal, I’m Goom Bay’s own:
Jack Newark
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