Dear Nations of the South Pacific,

It is with grave concern that, as your Minister of Regional Affairs, I must inform you that we are expecting a resurgence of the virus which has plagued us over the last several years. You may not remember the virus of which I speak, but suffice to say it is one of the most terrible and tragic diseases I have ever witnessed, one which turns the infected into a monster that, though seeming dead, still shambles onwards, imbued with strength unknown in life and filled with nothing but the dread desire to spread the infection further and feast on those that do not ‘survive’.

As I have said, we have faced this terrible threat before and we are not unprepared. Already our best scientists are preparing a way for a cure for this new strain, which we expect will begin to appear on or around the 31st October this year. As always we will encourage all nations to begin working on this cure as soon as possible and to use the proven effectiveness of cure missiles to eradicate the infection in other nations of the South Pacific.

It will be a hard task and, despite our best efforts, and with the foul intent of our enemies, we are sure that many will die, but remember, there were some survivors last time and we are sure that this time the number will be even higher!

I have with me Doctor Wade who has been studying the ‘zombie’ virus since last year and who believes she may understand the nature of this latest strain and how it will affect us. I’ll let her explain the rest.

Thank you, Minister! Yes, I have been a long time studying this virus, working late nights, rarely sleeping before the dawn, and all to learn its secrets, teasing them out over the past year until I feel I know it as well as I know any member of my own family, better even, since I’ve hardly spoken to them since last October. I might even know it as well as I know my own, dark and twisted mind. I have grown to love it, to see in it the perfection of beauty itself! How efficient it is! How spectacularly cruel, yet utterly unmoved by mere human emotions! How relentless, fueled by the brutal simplicity of evolution itself!

Let me show you, Nations of the South Pacific, and particular you, Minister, the true magnificence of this virus. I have it here with me, in this conical flask and all I need to do-

Really, Doctor, is this necessary?

All I need to do is tease open the lid-

I mean… you’ve neutralised it or deactivated it or whatever, right?

And oops!

Then a gentle wafting motion will send it right to you, dear Minister. Oh, don’t worry about me. I’ve already been infected… some time ago, in fact!

You should feel it taking hold very quickly. Yes. I can see it in your eyes and the strained muscles in your neck. I’m sure it is very painful but the pain won’t last long at all as the virus steadily kills all the pain receptors and begins to morph the very neurons of your nervous system to suit its own, intricate design.

The Minister will be indisposed for a little while, so I will finish this telegram off for him.

We will not be curing the virus, as he supposes - that would be a crime against nature of the highest order. No. The ‘zombies’ the virus creates must be allowed to live, to flourish and to spread the virus to all corners of the world. Only then can everyone truly understand its beauty, its magnificence, it’s perfection.

We must embrace the zombies and we must make sure that all other regions of the world are brought to the same conclusion. We will, of course, offer our zombies peacefully, but we will use force if necessary. The whole world must know the truth of this, that the day of Z is nearly upon us and it will be the ultimate day for our species and the final step in our evolution to greatness!

The Minister will bring you more information when he has… revived. Until then, rest well, for soon you will be of the restless dead and no one will be able to stop us. No one at all!

Yours,

Doctor Wade,
on behalf of the representative from Erinor, Minister of Regional Affairs of the South Pacific.