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South Pacific Independent News Network · 09-14-2020, 11:40 PM

Year 18 | 14 September 2020

REAL NEWS
PROTESTS IN GOVERNMENT DISTRICT DUE TO LAMPSHADE SHORTAGES
Gale Weathers | News Editor

Protestors have gathered at different sites in the Fudgetopia Government District to demand that the Cabinet address the recent and abrupt shortage of lampshades.

This newspaper has been able to confirm that all department stores stopped receiving new stocks of lampshades two days after perennial candidate Panda was charged with smuggling and Government Island Police raided the Interregional Seaport to dismantle a shipment of illegal lampshades connected to the Dirty Lampshades. Stores first reported the incident on Saturday, as their remaining stocks of lampshades were exhausted but no new lampshades had been delivered. On Monday morning, as South Pacificans attempted to buy new lampshades, they were met with closed stores or empty sections, while store management refused to provide explanations.

There has been no official explanation for the lack of new lampshades, but sources close to the Government Island Police say that the working theory is that the Dirty Lampshades were artificially inflating the supply with their own illegal lampshades; it is unclear at this time whether any stores were aware of this scheme. Captain P. Henn, chief of the naval section of the Island Police, has confirmed that the shipment that was raided last week had lampshades destined for the main department stores in the island, lending credence to the leaked theory.

While the protests have been growing during the day, some suggest that there is little that the government could do at this point. A legislator who spoke on condition of anonymity has said that "Prime Minister Prarie has been having meetings all day long but the Cabinet can’t figure out how to fix the lampshade shortage". A suggestion made by some is to open some of the Council on Regional Security’s warehouses in order to distribute their disaster stock of lampshades, but several legislators have shot down the idea, saying that the disaster stock should only be used as a last resort.

As tensions run high, Captain Henn has held meetings with the Cabinet and the Assembly to inform them of the progress of operations to find any misplaced lampshades, while local producers have been asked to work overtime to replenish the stock of legitimate lampshades as soon as possible.

The South Pacific Independent News Network (SPINN) is an independent news organisation established in 2003 with the goal of providing good, insightful and timely commentary on regional events for the citizens of the South Pacific. This publication is satirical and does not necessarily reflect the facts or the views of the Editorial Board. Content is published via pseudonyms. The SPINN is not associated with the Government of the South Pacific.