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**Seraph** · 06-26-2021, 02:22 PM

TSPride 2021

Being a Unicorn: Queer and Christian.

Most of you are probably familiar with my coming out story, so this isn't exactly that, but it is related, so I hope you'll bear with me. Since joining NationStates and getting involved in the South Pacific's wonderful community, I have made it no secret that I am a Christian both in belief and practice. That I was also gay was, until recently however, a complete secret known only to me and to God. I certainly prayed about it often enough.

I'm not entirely sure when I first became anxious that I might be gay. My early teens, I guess. I had a TV in my room and I used to watch late night TV on Channel 4 that tended to be a little on the risqué side and it was always seeing more of the men in such programmes that interested me, rather than the women. This was not what I wanted, but at the same time it was exactly what I wanted: a tension between desire and some false ideal reality that I would live with for the next two decades.

I'm also not entirely sure where my belief that such desires were wrong came from, at least to begin with. I wasn't raised in a churchgoing Christian household and though I became a Christian at age eleven, I wasn't receiving much in the way of teaching on the topic. I don't remember anyone telling me that homosexuality was a sin. But this was Northern Ireland in the 90s. Perhaps it was all-pervasive. And I went to an all-boys grammar school where 'gay' was the ultimate insult. I used it myself and looked down on those who came across as too effeminate because they were the only people lower down the food chain than I was. I'm not proud of these things.

Throughout the next two decades, I would consistently make public choices to "be" straight and prayed to be cured of same-sex desires. I even met a girl, fell in love, got married, had a child, but still my desires didn't diminish. My church became embroiled in a debate in the Church of Scotland over openly gay clergy and I defended the Evangelical viewpoint (though with considerable discomfort), because the Bible seemed to be clear on the topic.

But my politics began to grow ever-more liberal and I began to be semi-affirming of homosexuality in others, whilst being clear to myself that I had made my choice and just had to live with it. I now see that as a convenient excuse to avoid actually looking into the issue and facing up to who I really was with all the painful honesty that that required.

Then we left Scotland, joined the Church of England and, liberated from the most conservative of Evangelicalism and discerning a call to ordained ministry, I found my faith gradually deconstructing into something kinder and more flexible and the desire to face my truth and live openly as myself grew alongside. Being part of such a welcoming and safe community online as the South Pacific helped a lot with this journey.

And then I actually came out - something that I never believed would or could happen and it suddenly seemed like a race to finally determine what I actually believed about the theology of homosexuality. It didn't take long to realise that, at the very least, the Biblical picture is murky and confined to so few verses that the conservative Christian obsession with repressing and discriminating against LGBTQ+ people begind to look rather immoral when the Bible speaks much more loudly about other issues (like poverty) that so many of them seem to care so little about.

I found affirming communities of LGBTQ+ Christians and allies online, places where I could truly be myself and learn more about Christian love and welcome than in twenty six years of being a Christian before that. I discovered that LGBTQ+ Christians, just like all other queer people, are actually normal human beings, with the same interests, hopes and fears as anyone else. Queer Christians, whilst most often more progressive than the most vocal Christian denominations, are nonetheless just as Christian as anyone else who applies that label to themself.

I entitled this account 'Being a Unicorn', because that's exactly what being a queer Christian feels like in some circumstances: this impossible, mythical creature. Look long enough online in Christian spaces and you'll see conservatives declaring boldly that it is not possible to be gay or transgender or even asexual and a follower of Jesus Christ. This - denying my right to exist as I understand myself, based on a handful of poorly-understood verses filtered through centuries of growing prejudice - makes me so angry and, I'll admit, sometimes quite scared as I imagine the reaction of erstwhile friends who still hold to non-affirming theologies.

But there's hope. The number of Christians who openly identify as queer seems to be growing. The number of affirming denominations is too. There are more and more resources out there to help people better understand both theology and the Bible with respect to the issues of sexuality and gender identity. I have hope that God's love, made manifest in the lives of Their people as the Kingdom of Heaven, will continue to spread throughout the world, and, where that's genuine, that will mean more acceptance for LGBTQ+ people in Christian spaces, too. We just need to keep reminding our conservative siblings that, actually, yes, unicorns do exist.

Founder of the Church of the South Pacific [Forum Thread] [Discord], a safe place to discuss spirituality for people of all faiths and none (currently looking for those interested in prayer and/or "home" groups);
And The Silicon Pens [Discord], a writer's group for the South Pacific and beyond!

Yahweo usenneo ir varleo, ihraneo jurlaweo hraseu seu, ir jiweveo arladi.

Salma 145:8

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(This post was last modified: 06-26-2021, 02:24 PM by Seraph.)