[DRAFT] Commend Tsunamy |
(09-19-2017, 06:18 AM)Roavin Wrote: Recalling Tsunamy's leading role in 2003 to save the newly formed Coalition of the South Pacific, in which a natural disaster enabled a coup d'etat by The Xyz Affair and the resulting dissolution of the Coalition's primogenital Delegate nation Killer Monkeys Maybe you should rephrase that; it suggests that XYZ couped Killer Monkeys, when that was not the case. Former Delegate of the South Pacific
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that's true.
Signed,
Positions:
Legislator of The South Pacific King of Machina, Defence Realm of Illuminati Alliance Citizen of The East Pacific Former Positions:
Overlord of Masterz
Seargant of HYDRA Talon of Firehehlm Munifiex of The Roman Empire
(09-21-2017, 09:33 PM)Kris Kringle Wrote:(09-19-2017, 06:18 AM)Roavin Wrote: Recalling Tsunamy's leading role in 2003 to save the newly formed Coalition of the South Pacific, in which a natural disaster enabled a coup d'etat by The Xyz Affair and the resulting dissolution of the Coalition's primogenital Delegate nation Killer Monkeys That's why I used the word "primogenital" instead of "legitimate", which would have been Goddessness. Though I suppose I could rephrase it in some way - suggestions?
So, generally the SC forum seems fond of the draft, and nobody noticed any rule violations.
Two smaller issues that came up: First, "mentorship", while having precedence in SC use, almost comes across as a Commendation written for an individual (which is OOCly correct) rather than for a nation (which is ICly correct and the viewpoint from which WA resolutions generally must be written). Second, mentioning the forum can be done more "IC flowery"; generally, I'll be reviewing the draft for other places where that can be done reasonably. A larger "issue", or theme, is that Tsu's work is TSP only. This isn't a showstopper by any means, and there is precedent (including TSP's very own Fudgetopia) of nations Commended for single-region work. Still, the feeling seems to be that either the proposal should double down and explain how Tsu's dedication and loyalty to TSP should be an inspiration to fellow member states of the World Assembly, or to tie Tsu's work in TSP into a holistic picture across the NationStates landscape. I'm not quite sure yet how to tackle this one, or if I want to disregard this entirely. I'll write an updated draft in the coming days.
Here it is:
Quote:The Security Council,
Might suggest "inspired by" or "in awe of" instead of "Fascinated"? And "galvanized"
Something about "" as a player to always try to include as much multiplicity in voices in the region and governance of the region? Escade ~ Positions Held in TSP ~ Delegate | Vice Delegate Minister of Regional Affairs, | Minister of Foreign Affairs | Minister of Military Affairs ~ The Sparkly One ~ My Pinterest
(10-01-2017, 01:21 PM)Escade Wrote: Might suggest "inspired by" or "in awe of" instead of "Fascinated"? And "galvanized" Ooh, I like "In Awe of". I think I'll change it to that. On the second part, that's already included in that very phrase (just formulated as IC since it's a WA proposal afterall)
This is looking really good.
Signed,
Positions:
Legislator of The South Pacific King of Machina, Defence Realm of Illuminati Alliance Citizen of The East Pacific Former Positions:
Overlord of Masterz
Seargant of HYDRA Talon of Firehehlm Munifiex of The Roman Empire
And posted on the NS SC forum again, with Escade's "In Awe" suggestion.
When can we expect this to go before delegates?
Signed,
Positions:
Legislator of The South Pacific King of Machina, Defence Realm of Illuminati Alliance Citizen of The East Pacific Former Positions:
Overlord of Masterz
Seargant of HYDRA Talon of Firehehlm Munifiex of The Roman Empire |
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